30 July 2002

Dateline Madrid --

Seeking respite from the profoundly silly conflict between Spain and Morocco over an overgrown sandbar named "Parsley", I recently delved into my backlog of English-language newspapers.

Big mistake.

Maybe I've been away too long, but my initial reaction to the latest slurry of scandals and hysteria was, "Are all Americans crazy?"

Then, upon reflection, I remembered why I left the States in the first place. Back then, I made a list of the principles under which my beloved native country seemed to be operating. These were things that nobody ever said, but everybody knew, on some instinctive level. I still have the list, and it pains me to say those principles hold truer now than when I left. For what it's worth, here they are, in no particular order:

We must curtail freedom in order to preserve it.

The separation of Church and State does not apply to Conservative Christians.

Our security depends on the government's ability to conceal its actions.

Wealth breeds contempt for the law.

Recruiting Americans to spy on their fellow citizens is fine. If you can get them to do it gratis, even better.

We bear no responsibility for the hostility others feel towards us.

For the wealthy, public humiliation is an acceptable substitution for thirty years in prison.

Civil liberties are only for those who can afford them.

Subverting the sovereignty of other nations is OK if there's oil money involved.

The United States does not have to play by anybody else's rules.

All the paranoid fantasies of the last fifty years are coming true.

Suddenly, fighting over an uninhabited islet with a silly name seems positively benign in comparison. At least they waited until the World Cup was over.