6 November 2002

Dateline Madrid --

In stunning move today, the United States Electoral Department, citing the extreme closeness of most of the state and local races across the country, moved to cancel today's elections.

"It's just too hard," lamented Mark Welby, Assistant Secretary for Sophistry, "This thing's split right down the middle, and with the margin of error being what it is, there's no way we'll ever figure out the real winners. So rather than go through the time and expense of tabulating and retabulating the election results, we've decided to just call the damn thing off."

Although some isolated members of the electorate were upset at the decision, as a whole they expressed relief. When asked for a statement, the General Overview Of National Sentiment responded, "Look, it's cold and rainy outside. If the election is too close to call, why not forget it and stay home? Our sinuses are acting up anyway."

Predictably, incumbent candidates were thrilled at today's decision. Challengers, surprisingly, were also generally positive. "Let's put it this way," explained Tom Roadkill, who until today was the favorite in his state's senatorial election, "Sure, it'd be nice to go to the senate and lap up some of that conflict-of-interest money, but when it comes right down to it, my dogs are tired and there's a brand-new season of 'Twenty-Four' to watch."

Democracy, which has been unavailable for comment for quite some time now, continued to ignore all requests for an interview.