Dateline Madrid --

Colin Powell wrapped up the First Annual Telethon for War-Torn Iraq today, bringing an end to an exhaustive 48 hours of nonstop begging, pleading, and dancing bears. Diplomats and policymakers from around the the world traveled to Madrid to attend the event, which was part international summit meeting, part Las Vegas floor show. In between entreaties for financial contributions, the audience was treated to entertainment by such heavy show-biz hitters as Elton John, Beyoncé, and 'Hamilton, the Magical Stage Hypnotist'.

Although the telethon was well-attended, donations were less abundant than expected. Many potential donors cited disappointment with Powell's lack of new material. "Please. This is the same shtik he's been doing for years", one audience member complained. "If he wants a big donation from my country, he's got to come up with some fresh material." Many seemed to share that view, particularly during the big finish, "What, You Want Saddam Back?", which was greeted with barely-disguised yawns and eye-rolling.

That aside, the event was at least a qualified success. Whatever they might have thought about the entertainment, most of the participants threw a little something in the pot. Most donors were quick to deny that this signified an endorsement of US policy in Iraq. "This is strictly covering-our-ass money", one diplomat insisted, "just in case they ever get the oil flowing over there, we want to be sure we get our slice of the pie. Besides, I've got a soft spot for that old 'New World Order' bit"

As the spectacle neared its conclusion, Powell, looking worn out, his bow tie undone and ruffled shirt collar open, gazed out at the audience from behind tinted glasses and sighed, "What thrill it's been for me to be here with all you beautiful people. I know you think of me as this big political superstar, but inside I'm still just a kid with a dream. Ever since I was eight years old I wanted to establish a secular free-market democracy in Iraq. And thanks to you wonderful folks and all your generous kindness, that dream almost looks like it might just happen in my lifetime."